Steven Shelton hails from Walnut Creek, California! He's a Taurus and his hobbies include firing cans of Redi-Whip down his throat, trying on bras, and finding different items of his late grandmother's clothing to make love to. He is available for cross-examination or personal clarification at STEVOOS007@aol.com.

 

Purgle Sharastha (pronounced per-JOL shres-TAH) hails from a mountain goat breeding farm in Nepal! He's a Scorpio and his hobbies include prank calling and phone sex, trying to use meditation and chanting to increase the size of his below-average penis, and desperately trying to convince himself that he's bisexual. 

 

 
Why is Steve nothing more than a fat loser?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What, if anything, has Steve accomplished?
The details surrounding Steve's childhood are a bit sketchy. All we know is that his parents looked like Raymond Burr and Delta Burke's inbred children. Like a giant rolling boulder crushing every living thing in its path, Steve came barreling out of the womb sometime in late April or early May of an undetermined year. After a breast-feeding accident that resulted in his mother's death, Steve's father had no choice but to send him to live with his grandmother in Walnut Creek, California. It was there that Steve first developed his fascination with Twinkies. A fascination that would ultimately lead to his grandmother's untimely demise! Stories conflict as to what happened during the infamous "funeral" incident. Some witnesses say that Steve was sobbing uncontrollably and threw himself onto the coffin out of griefÖ Others say he was screaming, "I haven't eaten in three minutes!" as he leapt into the open grave and tried to eat the coffin. During his teenage years Steve was actively involved in High School activities. He founded the Mayonnaise Lovers Club, played Dumbo in the school play, doubled as an elephant at the local petting zoo, and was voted "Most Likely to be a Hermaphrodite" by his senior class. These days Steve sits in his house all day, cyber sexing paralyzed 86 year old men in gay chat rooms while eating Cool Whip with a spoon.

 

Steve has spent more continuous hours in AOL chat rooms than the population of Nebraska and Wyoming combined!

Steve is the world's largest living one-celled organism and the only one that has childbearing hips!

Steve's possesses the largest pair of breasts in North America.

As of 12/01/99 Steve has had more conversations online in gay AOL chat rooms than offline with living, breathing people!

Steve is the oldest living virgin!

The character "Fat Bastard" from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me was based on Steve Shelton. In addition, his face and body were molded to make Mike Meyer's costume.

 

Steve has only four pictures of himself and they're all fakes!

Steve somehow managed to get Jay Leno to pose for a quick picture with him outside of NBC Studios in Los Angeles. Steve then sent out the picture to anyone unlucky enough to ask for it with the inscription "Hangin' out with Jay Leno" written on it as though they were great pals who went way back.

Another time Steve sneaked into a picture that a group of teenagers was posing for in the Outback Steakhouse in Phoenix, Arizona. He somehow obtained a copy of the picture and then sent it out, bragging that he and "his friends" were "kickin' it." In reality he could barely stop inhaling slabs of beef long enough to ooze up behind the unsuspecting kids.

The other two pictures were taken using a 35-millimeter camera with a timer. This way Steve could pretend that a "friend" of his had taken the picture.

Why is Purgle so weird?  What is his deal anyway?
Purgle likes to keep his background under wraps. All we know about him is that he was born, grew up, and now he haunts this earth like a fruit fly epidemic. Apparently he was raised in a Nepalese goat village and his first job was selling llamas along the side of the road. When he turned 13 he realized he was gay. He also realized he'd never be able to maintain a healthy sexual relationship with anyone (male or female). Burdened with this knowledge, he sold his prized Yeti scalp and used the funds to emigrate to Denver, Colorado. It was here, in the locker rooms of the various gyms and high schools, that Purgle realized that he had a small penis. Despite being "the big man on campus" (so to speak) back at the village, Purgle could barely amount to more than small potatoes (to put it mildly) here in the good old' USA. After moving to Portland, Oregon, and San Francisco, California (where he is currently residing), Purgle has now accepted the fact that the horror of his penis is relentless, unavoidable, and ever-disabling. His penis syndrome has conspired with his height disadvantage and questionable personality to make Purgle into nothing more than a spiteful, secretive, overgrown child who had little, if any, effect on anyone. A few years ago, Purgle was feeling ineffectual and useless. In an effort to add some excitement and responsibility to his life, Purgle landed a job as the passive-aggressive night manager of a Market Research call center. Like a nightmare come to life, Purgle used his position of "power" to rule over a makeshift roost of neurotic housewives, drop-outs, speed freaks, and anyone else unlucky enough to end up working as a research recruiter. It didn't take long for Purgle to find kindred spirits among the slaves rowing that clerical boat. Purgle was so excited to have his own clique (a group of more than himself whom he could socialize with). Their nights on the town were rousing successes consisting of bad house parties, servings of greasy pizza, beer, cocaine, and sloppy kisses in back alleys followed by sad, pathetic all-night orgies. Californians, once again, cursed Ronald Regan for having closed the state hospitals and Purgle, for once, had friends. To this day Purgle spends his days drinking, grabbing his crotch, and sticking his tongue out while going to gay bars four times a day.

 
What has Purgle done that he is proud of?
Purgle was the night manager of a market research surveying call center.

Purgle wore leather pants he bought in the girls' department at the Gap for New Year's Day, 1999, because he wanted to look "sexy."

The serial killer in the movie SEVEN was based on Purgle! Not only that, but Kevin Spacey studied Purgle's speech patterns and social interactions to prepare for his role.

Purgle is able to carry on entire conversations by repeating the last sentence said to him followed by an intense nodding of the head.

Purgle has cultivated an intense hatred for the Muppets because children point at him and scream, "Look, mommy, it's Kermit the Frog!"

Purgle has spent more time in sex clubs, gay cocktail parties/orgies, and strip clubs than he's spent OUT of them.

Purgle's stress threshold is so low he started crying at work one time because both phone lines were ringing and he had to write something down.

 

 

Purgle knows how to be mysterious and sexy!

Most of the time, when you ask Purgle a question (or even when one of his employees asks a question) he will stare at you with a slack jawed expression. This is what Purgle considers to be "enigmatic." He might also dart his eyes around and then eagerly agree with whatever you're saying by nodding his head and repeating, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." This is Purgle being "alluring." You see, at an early age Purgle noticed that mysterious and interesting things are often unexplainable and strange. Unfortunately, this means Purgle thinks being unexplainable and strange makes him mysterious and interesting. Purgle refuses to communicate with anyone using normal speech patterns, co operational conversation techniques, or a consistent attention span. He thinks this is a sexy trick that will make people want to know him better, but most people just think he's got the same mental disorder Dustin Hoffman had in RAIN MAN.

Purgle thinks he's the lost cast member of Melrose Place!

Purgle thinks lying, game playing, and shit disturbing is glamorous and seductive. Unfortunately he fails to realize that, although people might be entertained by the likes of Joan Collins, Heather Locklear, or Sharon Stone walking all over people in the movies, people are rarely impressed with adult men who act like trouble-making junior high school girls.  Purgle is NO Sharon Stone.  He is convinced he's living on a soap opera and is constantly trying to be slick by stirring up trouble between people and acting sly about it later.

Purgle won't reveal his age!

Purgle seriously refuses to tell anyone how old he is. If you ask, he'll lie or elude the question by staring at you or darting his eyes back and forth while repeating some random gibberish over and over. He thinks this makes him mysterious, but in reality it is probably one of the most freakish and off-putting personality flaws ever. Not only is it extremely disturbing that he would consciously and continuously keep such a secret, but Purgle should know that his age is the LEAST of his problems. He'd have better luck putting a bag on his head and lying about his face.

Purgle paid an actor from New Zealand to pretend to be his boyfriend!

Purgle was in love with his chiropractor. They were too in-sync in regard to their pathological paranoia and size issues to date.  To get around this problem, the chiropractor would tell Purgle about his sexual exploits while Purgle fondled his crotch with a sticky hand dipped in peanut butter. Purgle then paid an out-of-work actor from New Zealand to pretend to be his boyfriend to make the chiropractor jealous. Purgle has since negated to donning tight retro heavy metal t-shirts with iron-on decals, snug-fitting pairs of girls' pants, and going out to the Hole in the Wall to grab his crotch and make eyes at anything that will look back at him.